12 Tips for Dating in Your 30s
Whenever I catch reruns of Sex and the City, I’m always a little shocked to realize that I’m the same age as Carrie and her friends. When the show debuted in 1998, I was 17, and it ran for six seasons until I was 23. Now when I watch it, as a single and fabulous(!) woman in her 30s, it hits a little closer to home. I identify much more with the characters and their struggles. Why? Because dating in your 30s is very different from dating in your 20s. The playing field is narrower; if you want kids, the biological clock is ticking; and as you're older, you’re naturally carrying around a lot more baggage. The number of single friends is dwindling, so there is also more pressure to be coupled up. Dating is hard at any age, but even more so in your 30s. If you’ve recently become single or just turned 31 and are beginning to notice how dating has changed, you came to the right place. Here are 12 tips for dating in your 30s.
Just as you should be open to dating a divorcee, you should also be open to dating someone younger than you. Does age really matter much once you’ve hit 31? Not really. One of my girlfriends is 35, and she just married a 27-year old. Their relationship works because they are madly in love and they support each other in the ways that they both need to be supported. Plus, they have a great time together and neither of them could imagine a world without the other person in it. Age is just a number—it only matters when you make it matter.
When I was in my mid-20s, I wanted a guy who drove a nice car and who could afford to take me to a fancy restaurant. Although I still think these things are great, now that I’m in my 30s, I know that I want more in a man. In fact, I know exactly what I want in a life partner. I have a nervous personality, so I need a guy who can tell me to relax. I’m very social and love entertaining, so I need someone who can hold their own and have a conversation without me holding his hand. I enjoy learning new things, so I want a partner who is willing to teach me stuff.
If you’ve never really thought about what you want in a partner, I suggest you figure it out soon. Sit down with a pad and pen, and write down the names of the last couple of people you’ve dated. Next to each name, list the top five things you liked about them and the top five things you didn’t like about them. Set the list aside, and come back a few days later. Read it carefully and you’ll probably notice that there are repetitive descriptors on the list. The top qualities that you liked about these people are what you should look for in your next relationship.
Everyone who is single in their 30s has dealt with their own form of heartbreak—be it ghosting, cheating, or death. But it’s time to leave the past in the past. The third date is not a good time to discuss how your ex-boyfriend cheated on you for three years and you didn’t realize it until a photo of him having sex with another girl was sent to you from an anonymous email account. Let it go! We all have skeletons in the closet. This doesn’t mean you have to pull one out and wear it. Yes, your past has shaped who you are, but it’s your past, not your present or future. Instead, focus on what is happening now and look where you are going next.
The firefighter who couldn’t commit. The chef who ended up having a girlfriend who lived with him. The finance guy who vanished the night after I introduced him to all of my friends. This is a small list of men who I’ve recently dated and how the relationship ended.
When you’re in your 30s, it’s much easier to become jaded and bitter; so many relationships have not worked out that you can start to think it’s never going to happen. But it’s important not to let this negative thinking get the best of you. If you think it’s never going to happen, then it won’t; you have to think it will happen and be positive.
When you meet someone new, don’t be jaded or bitter. You don’t know how things will end up with this person, so give them a chance. It’s also a good idea not to be overly direct. Telling the attractive lawyer that you want three kids and already have their names picked out on the second date is not a good idea. You might scare them away!
When you’ve been in a lot of unsuccessful relationships, a natural defense mechanism is to put your guard up. If you don’t let anyone in, then you won’t get hurt, right? However, if you don’t let anyone in, you probably won’t end up finding the one. When the time is right and you’ve met someone that you’re into and who is also into you, let your guard down. Be vulnerable. If this makes you feel anxious, tell yourself everything will be okay. Because you know what—it will be!
When you’re in your 30s, it’s easy to get caught up in thinking about the things you don’t have yet. You haven’t met the one, you’re not married, you don't live in a beautiful house, and you don't have babies. Wanting all of these things is okay, but grilling every person you date to see if they have what it takes to be the parent of your children is not. Focus on having fun and getting to know the person. What’s the point of being in a relationship at any age if you’re not having fun? It shouldn’t be a job, and it shouldn’t be depressing. A relationship should be filled with joy, laughter, and love—whether you’re 22 or 46.
The divorce rate in America is somewhere between 42% and 50%, so when you’re in your 30s, you are going to date people who are divorced. I’ve dated more divorced guys than I can count—in fact I’ve only dated one man over the age of 35 who was not divorced. When it comes to discussing their marriage, don’t pry. If they want to talk about what happened, they will when the time is right. The great thing about divorced people is that they aren’t afraid of commitment.
A year ago, I was on a first date with a guy I met on Hinge. Halfway through a glass of rosé, I knew I wanted nothing to do with him. When I emptied the glass, he asked if I wanted another. I shocked both myself and him when I said, “No thanks. I’m going to go. You’re not the right guy for me.” I walked out the bar and I felt invigorated! Why had I sat through countless hourlong dates with guys I wasn’t into? Don’t waste your time. If you’re not into the person, stop talking to them. Stop texting them. Stop hanging out with them. Life is too short. Wouldn’t you much rather get a good night of beauty sleep than be out drinking empty calories with a person you're just not that into?
Good communication is crucial to any relationship, be it with your best friend from grade school or the new girl at work you’re crushing on. When you’re dating in your 30s, you should be able to talk to the person openly and honestly. Likewise, they should be able to talk to you openly and honestly. Got into your first fight? Talk it out maturely. If you’re not communicating early on in the relationship, you probably won’t get better at it as things move forward.
When I was 26, I dated a cop who was a couple of years older than me. He was incredibly charming and good-looking, and we lived in the same neighborhood. However, he often made comments that rubbed me the wrong way, and I always had an uneasy feeling in my stomach. My gut was telling me that he wasn’t the guy for me, but I wasn’t ready to listen to it. Now, I always trust my gut instincts and you should too. Listen to your intuition. If something is telling you he’s not right, he’s probably not.
Don’t pretend to be someone you are not. You won’t be able to keep the charade going on forever, so just be yourself. Own who you are. Confidence is attractive. You do you.
Nobody should settle for a partner who they are only sort of into. The relationship won’t be healthy, nor will it last. However, nobody should be waiting around for Prince Charming to show up either. You aren’t perfect, so stop seeking perfection in a partner. Be ready to compromise. Who cares if she wears the world’s ugliest pajama pants? If she’s wearing them while making you the most delicious eggs Benedict you’ve ever tasted, things aren’t too bad, right?
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