When we think about attractiveness, our youth and beauty-obsessed culture have conditioned us to consider one thing: physical appearance. But as licensed therapist and life coach John Kim argues in Psychology Today, attracting the right partner actually has little to do with looks.
"When I say that everyone has an attraction level, I'm not referring to aesthetics," he writes. "I'm talking about energy, attitude, emotional intelligence, general vibe, and character." In addition to embodying the type of person you hope to someday attract, Kim reasons that finding the right person takes a bit of awareness and self-care on your part. Here's exactly what to do to become infinitely more attractive at a deeper level.
Be aware of your attractiveness
Again, Kim is referring to your energy, character, emotional intelligence, and overall vibe. "The first tip is to just be aware and take an honest look at your attraction level," explains Kim. "If you believe your level is low, it doesn't mean you're defective. It means you have low awareness, or you haven't done much work on yourself." To assess your attraction level, he suggests asking yourself a few questions: Do you attract or repel people in general? How do people respond to you? Do you notice a pattern?
Do people gravitate toward you or keep their distance? Are you able to maintain healthy relationships with friends? Do you know many but not really know anyone?
Take care of your seven basic needs
According to Kim, your seven basics include emotional, spiritual, physical, intellectual, sexual, financial, and passion needs. "There's nothing more attractive than someone who takes care of him or herself," he writes. "Self-care means having the ability to fulfill [these basic needs]." The key here is being able to fulfill them yourself, not expecting someone else to do it for you. Work on becoming the best, most confident, and wholehearted version of yourself.
Consider your reactivity
In short, reactivity simply refers to the habit of reacting, however judgmentally, rather than taking time and thoughtfully responding to the people around you. "Nothing repels people more than a reactive person," writes Kim, who admits he used to be one. "No one wants to feel like they're walking through a minefield when they're around you." To assess your reactivity, ask yourself a few questions: Do you think about how your words, actions, and energy will affect those around you, or do you allow yourself to have knee-jerk reactions?
Do you react or do you respond to people, situations and events?
Head over to Psychology Today for more of Kim's tips, and shop our date-night essentials below.