Original Illustration by Stephanie DeAngelis
Great sex is something we all want, right? Whether you're in a longer-term relationship that's perhaps gotten a bit routine in the bedroom or you're single and looking to feel empowered, here are three therapist-designed questions to ask yourself for better sex. Perhaps by answering them, you'll realize something that's holding you back from the type of sex you want.
1. Do you have a sexual personality?
You may, for instance, be "the dominant one" who always likes to be in control, or you may be "shy" and like to be courted in the bedroom. If you do have a personality you can ID, ask yourself if you're happy with it, and then go one layer deeper and ask why. Do you like being dominant because you fear the vulnerability of not being in control? Next, ask yourself if that prevents you from being in the moment, suggests sex therapist Brittany Lacour via Glamour. If you don't have a specific "personality" you'd peg for yourself, think about the things that turn you on, and try to figure out what it is about them that's sexy, for instance, giving up total control or having power; and new ways to engage these dynamics can be explored.
2. During sex, how much do you focus on what your partner may be thinking about you?
Being insecure during sex, naturally, inhibits pleasure. We all feel self-conscious about certain things, but if you're focusing too much on them, you won't be able to get the same satisfaction from sex. Lacour suggests a little ritual of self-love before you get heated. "Take three deep, slow breaths—in through your nose and out your mouth—and place your hand over your heart," she told Glamour. "Acknowledge that you're giving yourself love, and keep that warm feeling as you enjoy your partner."