He Says He Doesn't Want a Relationship—Now What?

Updated 03/14/19
Credit: Bonfanti Diego. Getty Images 

A lot of people must face the fact that the person they think is right for them may not return the feeling. It does not matter who their partner is—you, their ex, or someone new—that person is simply not ready for a serious relationship. No matter the level of your relationship until this point, if you do not share the same view as your potential partner, you will hit an impasse. 

Don't ask yourself, "why can't I find the right person?" Instead, ask, "who is the right person for me?" When putting your net into the dating pool, consider only those who are ready or willing to be in a committed relationship from the start. You won't find what you want until you stop accepting what you don't want. 

Read on to figure out if this relationship is worth pursuing or if you should leave them to find someone else who is ready to commit to you. 

Why Don't They Want a Relationship? 

It is possible that the reasons for not wanting a relationship are mirky. Painful memories of failed relationships may cloud the judgment of someone in the present. They may also worry about causing disappointment or being unable to keep up with the type of relationship you are looking for. The only way you can really decipher your thoughts is to talk about them. 

In some cases, fears can be assuaged. Be clear about your own expectations for them, and be sure to keep an open mind about how you can compromise to make things work. But never compromise on the most important facets of the relationship for yourself: if you would like to be able to call them anytime  but they work during the hours that you are free, this could be a big factor in making the relationship work. Instead, maybe you could relegate communication to texts as a compromise—but only if you think this is something you would be comfortable with. 

If they are really outstanding and treat you well, then there is no need to do anything drastic. Instead, try avoiding your relationships status for a few weeks—barring any discussions about safe sex and outside partners, if applicable. Focus entirely on giving yourself whatever it is you think you they bring to the table. Releasing the pressure of becoming serious together may help to alleviate their fears naturally. If not, it may be time to leave. 

Do not try to convince the other person to give up their own principles, either. You may inadvertently create tension before the relationship has even begun. It is best to be true to what you both want, including honesty about hesitations and potential compromises. 

They Are Not Going to Come Around

If, for whatever reason, you partner isn't giving you what you want, it's time to move on. Perhaps they are unable to commit, or are being dishonest about how they feel. There are red flags to pay attention to in the relationship as well, which may indicate that they are not right for you anyway. Maybe they are still dating other people, or using you for money, or just being a pain in your side. If any of these apply, then your choice should be obvious—their problems are their own and you are not going to change them. The only thing you are responsible for is you, so that means doing what is best for yourself. 

They are not giving you what you want. There are a lot of negotiable aspects of a relationship, but if you want one and they do not, it's time to find someone that is as excited to be with you as you are you be with them. 

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