Movies have trained us to be suspicious of spouses who work late, spend too much time on the internet, and exhibit signs of midlife crisis. The fact is that some people really do have long hours or hobbies that occupy their attention or sudden insecurities. But these also make for great excuses for people who intend to dampen their relationship with infidelity.
The first, simplest excuse that may appear in your marriage is "needing space." When a man or woman is involved with someone other than their spouse they need space and time away from the spouse to carry on the affair and to untangle from their current relationship. One of the most blaring signs of a cheating spouse is one who needs his/her “space.” Below are a few telltale signs that your spouse may be cheating.
- Your spouse begins to work late hours
- Your spouse plans activities that do not include you
- Your spouse suddenly takes vacations alone
- Your spouse withdraws emotionally and intimately
- Your spouse questions their feelings for you
The first step to take if any of the above signs appear in your marriage is to address them directly with your spouse. Do not let them convince you that it's nothing to be worried about in order to dismiss the conversation—if a resolution is not struck then and there, try to bring it up infrequently to gauge how they feel.
An affair may escalate quickly or simmer for years before boiling over. Don't let an affair creep up on you when the signs appear early on. No matter how quickly the cheater adjusts to their new normal, the affair itself provides a high similar to an addiction; forbidden romance is intoxicating and will infect more than just the cheater. An entire family could be in danger of falling apart if an affair is not quashed immediately.
At this point, a spouse is left with two options: hope that the affair ends and compartmentalize relationships with the cheating spouse and family OR separate and/or file for divorce. If your spouse is having an affair the best thing you can do is see a divorce attorney and take steps to protect yourself legally and financially. This is not to say that divorce is the better option, but having a good understanding of where you stand legally is in your best interest.
If your spouse realizes they are making a mistake, they are going to want to come home. Even if you have already talked to a divorce attorney or you’ve filed for divorce, things are not black-and-white. A petition for divorce can always be withdrawn, and more importantly, feelings can change with time. Marital assets depleted by a spouse who is having an affair cannot be recovered though.
Regardless, forgiveness is an important principle to live by; by forgiving an apologetic spouse you allow yourself to move on and prevent any future torment from the painful situation.