Asking for a Friend: Why Can’t I Find Love?

a woman in a trench coat walking on a sidewalk
  Christian Vierig

Falling in love with someone is one of the most wonderful and miraculous feelings that you can have in your entire life. It's a truly magical experience, and it's not surprising that there are countless songs, poems, and renowned pieces of literature that all try to capture the elation and thrill of falling head over heels. But it’s not always as simple as it seems, and you may be thinking to yourself, “Why can’t I find love?” The truth is that there can be many different reasons why love hasn’t come your way yet, but the good news is that it can, and more importantly, it will.

You’re Picking Unavailable People

If you were to look back at your dating history, how would you characterize the people you’ve been with? In many cases, the reason you haven’t found love yet is that you’re choosing to be with people who can’t really give you what you need and deserve. For instance, you may find yourself drawn to men who don’t want to be tied down or to women who are only interested in a fling or friends with benefits. And rather than being able to enjoy a deep, meaningful, and committed relationship with someone, you’re selecting to be with people who aren’t looking to be with someone for the long-term. If finding love is truly a priority for you, then you should talk to your partner sooner rather than later about what you both want out of a relationship. That way, you can choose to be with someone who wants the same things you do and increases your chances of falling in love.

You’re Afraid of Getting Hurt

Breakups can be devastating, and if you’ve been hurt or betrayed by someone in the past, it can be quite challenging to press the restart button and open up to someone new. But in order to find true love, you have to let yourself be vulnerable again, as it’s the only way for this deep and personal connection to take place. When you put up walls, keep your partner at arm’s length, and refuse to let him or her get close to you, this means you’ll never be able to find love because your connection will never move beyond a shallow and superficial level. The reality is that you have to risk getting hurt in order to find love, and even if it seems difficult to trust someone with your heart again, it's worth taking this leap of faith.

You Don’t Think You Deserve It

Confidence and self-esteem play a vital role when it comes to finding love. However, many people are unable to find love because they don’t think they’re worthy of having it. If you’re someone who struggles with low self-esteem and intense feelings of self-doubt, it’s time to recognize that this lack of confidence is affecting your behavior and keeping others at bay. But if you change your outlook and choose to focus on the positives in your life rather than the negative, you’ll be better able to see that you’re a special and amazing person who deserves true happiness and love. When you’re able to see and believe that you’re worth it, others will be drawn to your upbeat energy and positive vibes, and love is more likely to come your way as well.

You’re Settling

When it comes to finding love, it’s important to set high standards for yourself. Rather than being with someone because you’re afraid of living alone or because you’ve been together for a prolonged period of time, you should choose to be with someone because he or she makes you happy, as this is the only way to find true love. If you’re choosing to be with your partner for the wrong reasons, whether it’s based on money, convenience, or a lack of other options, love will not come your way because your connection isn’t based on anything meaningful or substantial. In order for true love to enter your life, it’s imperative that you place a priority on finding someone who has the qualities that are actually important in a relationship, such as shared morals, values, and life goals.

You’re Not Putting Yourself Out There

When it comes to finding love, you should remember that it’s a numbers game. The more you put yourself out there, the more people you meet and get to know, and the more you push yourself out of your comfort zone, the more likely you are to find love. However, if you go to the same bars every weekend, refuse to join a dating app, and don’t actively take more opportunities to try to meet others, you’re hurting your chances of finding someone of interest. By spicing up your routine and putting yourself in the dating world in new ways, this can help put the odds in your favor and enable you to find someone with whom you truly connect. When you prioritize dating and say “yes” to new activities, pastimes, and pursuits, you’re one step closer to finding love.​

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