Love Doesn't Have to Be Spontaneous: Here's Why You Need a Sex Schedule

Updated 03/30/19
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If your busy lives or different body clocks are interfering with your sexual intimacy, you can make "sex appointments," or schedule sex, with your spouse. Planning your encounter ahead of time does not diminish the quality or romance of sex; sure, it isn't necessarily spontaneous, but there is nothing wrong with that. It is a myth that all sex must happen by chance. There are common misconceptions and preconceived notions about scheduled sex that you must ignore, such as the following: 

  • It's unromantic or unsexy
  • We might still fight about when to schedule it
  • What if it's scheduled and we don't do of us will end up really pissed
  • People who schedule this must be really uptight, crazy, OCD, etc.

For a relationship to last, the commitment cannot be just emotional. We are sexual beings, and physical intimacy is still a major tenet of your love, so you should ensure that you can follow through on it. We have compiled some advice on why and how you can fit sex into your busy schedule—and make your love for one another stronger than ever in the process. 

Some Facts and Wisdom About Planned Sex

"Adults, on average, have sex about 61 times per year, or slightly more than once a week, according to University of Chicago's National Opinion Research Center. Marital status and age are key influences in sexual activity. When physical problems are not the root cause of a diminished sex life, many remedies exist to rekindle the flame of passion. Much of the fix is grounded in communication and reprioritizing one's life to make time for love and sex, says Jan Sinatra, a Manchester, Conn., psychotherapist and co-author of Heart Sense for Women ... Still others may just need to build time into their schedules to be together and let nature takes its course. Simply setting aside date nights can jump-start one's love life." Christopher J. Gearon, "Sex in Marriage: Better Sex in Marriage," on

"How can these two different people ever come together for sex at the same time? After all, a deficit in physical affection can cause more tension than just the other responsibilities (and stresses) of home life, such as kids and balancing work and play ... This is when you might have to get crafty with scheduling sex." Michael Breus, Ph.D., Good Night: The Sleep Doctor's 4-Week Program to Better Sleep and Better Health

"Scheduling sex can look very different for different people. If a couple is overall feeling connected and close, but one partner just always avoid sex due to a lower sex drive, scheduling sex can feel like a team-oriented approach to getting sex back on the radar. If you take a team approach to your marriage, scheduling sex can work for you." Samantha Rodman, PhD, How to Schedule Sex for Skeptics on Huffington Post

Tips for Scheduling Sex

  • Communicate your feelings and thoughts about your sexual intimacy and different time schedules and/or body clocks.
  • Do not fall into the trap of thinking that scheduling sex makes sex boring.
  • Look at both of your schedules and determine a couple of times per week that would work best. Try to make sure you have sex at least once per week. 
  • Be realistic about your kids' schedules and other commitments. 
  • Do not pick a time that you know one of you will need or want to cancel.
  • Accept there will be some compromise for both of you. You both may lose some sleep now and then.
  • Once you have some times scheduled, stay committed to those times with one another.
  • Try to get away once a month without the kids. These one-night stands are good for your marriage.

While you're at it, why not schedule more activities for your marital relationship? Date nights, "how are we doing" check-ins, daily rituals, and so on will help you both feel like you are working hard on the marriage in many ways. Sex is certainly a very important part of the relationship equation, but it must be woven into your intimacy, friendship and connection or things like setting a "sex appointment" won't work like magic.  

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